Guide to Social Activity/Courtship
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In some parts of the United States, at least, the "dating" concept is very important. Dating is commonly featured in US music and movies, and is also a major feature of bars serving alcohol. Some persons who give much attention to dating give almost no attention to other social activity.
The phrase "getting a date" (and variants like "getting a girl") has a variety of meanings in English. This text attempts to document the process of courtship, which is sometimes described (well or not) as the getting of a date.
Though drawn from thorough research and established authorities, this module is at best a rough guide, and any courtship situation will be highly specific to both the courting party and the courted. No single piece of advice will be appropriate for all people under the relevant circumstances. Everything contained herein should be taken in with a good dose of scepticism as most of the advice when carried out will have unexpected results. Any advice carried out without the exercise of good judgement could have harmful or undesired effects.
So you have a girl that is compatible. You know she likes you, or was attracted to you at some point in time, but things just went sour at some point and it is now awkward to talk to each other. Even though two people like each other, it can still be awkward if there isn't clear communication. You are either not reading her signal to approach, not approaching her right away (taking too long), not starting with a leading comment (not saying the right thing).
The simplest mistake and easiest to correct is taking too long. Use the three second rule. As soon as you know she's sending you a signal approach her right away and start with the right comment. Of course you'll need to know how to read signals and what to say. That is what we talk about next.
Pick Up Her Signals
She will be giving out flirting signals. She will look at you, make an open circle with her girlfriends or brush her hair when you look at her. She might walk by you or loosen her blouse when you are around. Other less direct signals are when she stands alone and not busy and makes herself captive (captive audience).
She will go somewhere where she's alone and not doing anything in particular. It is somewhere in an open space where you can easily approach her. She might be looking at a board, or looking out the window or standing at the door, or sitting by a table in the middle of the room, or sitting in a sofa in the middle of the room. The area is very accessible. If no one is approaching her, that means it's for you. She shouldn't be busy with anything, only something trivial as an excuse to stand in that place. If she's really busy and still in a central location, just look at her and make eye contact instead of approaching her all the way.
She will make herself captive. Girls want you to come on to them to see your intentions and you have to do this or else she will not feel appreciated enough. But she doesn't want to look like a slut for being with you, or talking to you so forward. So what she will do is put herself into a situation where she can not leave, so that she has an excuse to listen to you. The key here is to not chase her away. Stop doing your spiel before she has a chance to leave and disengage before your time is up.
For example. This girl likes you, she moves into a cubicle next to yours in the office. She's made herself captive because now you can talk to her in between tasks. Let's say you work a nine to five day. You get off at lunch and at five o'clock. Lay off the lingo half an hour before lunch and half an hour before five. All the other time you are going to be flirtatious, forward even mischievous. Remember, she moved next to you to make herself captive. It's up to you to make a move. She will be calling you fresh and bad and calling your comments annoying and inappropriate which is ok as long they are flirtatious and not rude and as long as you cool off before you leave, half hour before lunch and half hour before five.
Girls make themselves captive in all sorts of ways. When they do, that means they want you to approach them and be a little too forward and use her being captive. Being too forward is ok as long as you keep it flirtatious and sexual as opposed to obnoxious or anything rude, no put downs. And as long as you disengage before your time is up, as a cool off. If you chase her away she will not come back, but if you cool off before the time is up, the cool off will make it seem ok to come back and she will make herself captive for you again.
Some examples of girls making themselves captive: sitting next to you during a class, sitting next to you in church during a sermon, sitting next to you during a bible study, sitting next to you during a shift at work. Two things. First she is the one who set's up the situation, she is the one who comes near you and sits with you no the other way around. Second, there is a particular duration so you know when your time is coming close so you know when to cool off.
Girls also crouch, they sit down on steps, or sit in an open space to read a news paper for fun. Psychologically it is harder to stop doing something to get up and walk away. As long as she's not actually busy with an assignment on the article in the newspaper, she's making herself captive. Use that opportunity, because if you don't she will feel neglected and not come back again.
Sometimes a girl would be on her way to walk past you, and just as she's next to you she kneels down to tie her shoes. Make a witty remark to be flirtation, something about how the thicker the show laces the harder it is to get them in the holes. And turn away to disengage before she has a chance to leave. This way you are not chasing her away and she will come by you again.
Approach Right Away
The next thing to know is once you have detected those signals from her, to move in right way and start talking. as long as you know that you have to respond right away, it shouldn't be a problem. If it doesn't go smooth just walk away. As a matter of fact it will not go smooth the first couple of times: you will have to approach a girl several times before she's comfortable. Move in right away and leave right away to give her personal space. Move out of her territory and turn away from her to cool things off. Mean while keep glancing back at her every couple of minutes or so for another signal. When you see the signal, you move in again and so on.
Say The Right Thing
Sometimes things get awkward just because you are not saying the right thing. What ever the reason is, if it's awkward leave and wait for your signal again. It helps a lot knowing what to say. One of the worst mistakes is with a yes or no question. The only time you start with a yes or no question is when you approach her first without her giving you a signal, such as at a party when you first see her. If she already gave you a signal to move in, that is your yes, ask open ended questions.
One of the best things to say is a leading phrase. A leading phrase implies that there is move information and it directs where the conversation will go. For example: how awesome is this party? That is a leading question because it directs you to talk about the party being awesome. It doesn't ask are you enjoying this party? It verifies with confidence that this party is awesome.
Even better than a leading question is a leading phrase. A leading phrase is based on what you know about one word or one thing that the girl is doing at the present time. If a girl is next to you tying her shoes she is thinking one thing: shoe laces. Of course she's also thinking about work, dinner, the next assignment dues date, what ever. But at this point right now the one thing in her mind is shoelaces. Say one line, what ever you know about shoelaces. Some of them are too thick and it's hard to get them into the holes. Add a little sexual connotation and you have got your self pick up line.
To figure out what to talk about look at what she doing. She might be stretching, eating, drinking etc. If she's not doing anything in particular notice what she's looking at. She could be looking at a picture on the wall, a puppy, a rose. Do not talk about this one particular rose, it's not an opinion. Say something what ever comes to mind that you know about flowers because that is her connection with you.
If she's not doing anything in particular, and she's not looking at anything in particular, notice what she's doing with her hands. She might be holding something, like playing around with a pen, then talk about that. So the ingredients are to find the one thing that's on her mind right now at the present time. Some trivial simple little thing. Talk about what ever you know about those things, nothing related to the actual thing, but something from your own knowledge. Add sexual connotation. The whole process puts her and you together with sex involved and you've got the recipe for attraction.
It's not really that hard to approach women. Once you have figured out the formula for coming up with one liners breaking the ice will be easy. The hardest step is to do it right away, as soon as you get the signal from the woman. And the solution for that is off course to leave right away so you can wait for the signal and try again.
Complexity of dating
Men and women are remarkable creatures, and in some respects, easily predictable. The one most important thing they want, trumping all other concerns, is proximity.
Or is it?
Generalisations are dangerous here. To suggest that persons are predictable or are seeking "only one thing" is to underestimate the complexity of modern dating.
From the anthropological or historical perspectives, courtship ought not to be difficult. After some initial tough competition, the male wins a female and their joining forms the basis of future progeny. Arranged marriages, marriages of convenience, inter-tribal relationships designed to seal a political connection (as with the Campbells and MacDonalds on the eve of the Glencoe Massacre) all suggest a time when the matter was out of the hands of the young man or woman.
On the basis of many of the greatest writings in the history of English literature, some claim that courtship should be natural, free and almost dreamlike, as fate guides two uplifted hearts together breathlessly. Others suggest that dating in contemporary society has become mechanical and deterministic.
Here is an example process:
- Locate a man or woman
- Get within ten metres
- Smile, make eye contact
- Prepare for the consequences
This oversimplification might not result in dating, but only social contact.
For the purposes of this text, the term partner is applied to each of the two persons that are dating. If the two partners remain in courtship after the first meeting, then they enter a day-to-day phase. For some partners, this is a time to explain their love to each other while investigating how or why the other person loves them. That is, you investigate the mystery of why your partner loves you. Also, you be honest and explain how, when, where, and why you like your partner. This means talking about oneself, and not what one does. (FIXME is there a difference?)
Both persons should maintain their extraneous interests, such as friends, careers, etcetera, but should also enjoy themselves together. The maintenance of these other interests supplies new topics to discuss with a partner, but the cessation of these activities can limit potential conversation topics, and appear needy and insecure. By making oneself available all the time, one removes the element of scarcity that is a component of attraction.
Where To Meet Women
To attract women takes exposure. Where ever you are, to get a woman to like you and to spend time with you will take time and work getting to know one another. That is why most places where people meet are where men and women frequent automatically because they don't have a choice. Women have no choice about going to work. The work place is the number one area where people meet often. Everyone has to work. Even the most beautiful women have to make a living somehow. They go to work and they have to talk to the people that are there. At work you will encounter women as you carry on with the tasks of the day. This brings us to the number one spot to meet women:
1. At Work
Statistics show that some 70 percent of married people got together at work. The key ingredients are time, getting to know each other and similar interests. Women search for men with similar talents to their own and none of the flaws in what is called compatibility. We all have flaws, but we try to limit those by meeting a person with different flaws of our own. When it comes to aptitudes and natural talents women look for men similar to themselves. This insured the dissolution of bad genes and concentration of good genes. At the same work place people tend to have similarities in their abilities, especially when is comes to the same lines of work. Combined with time and the opportunity to get to thoroughly know one another, the right people automatically click together. That is why it's so important to work at something you are good at and really enjoy.
Church is supposed to be a spiritual place and not a dating service and yet it's a known fact that a lot of people meet and get married through church. The kind of church to join is one with similar background to yourself as well as your faith. The more similar people are the more chances there are for compatibility. Even in one denomination there are different locations. Join the one with people the most similar to yourself. The more you like the people there the more you will be eager to help out and as a result you will get noticed.
Studies show that people build special emotional bonds at an early age. The girls you have met in high school, especially near the age of sixteen usually will have a special memory of you. People were not meant to get married and have kids as late as they do in today's day and age. In the old times, girls used to get pregnant in their teens. Nature equipped girls with a special imprinting during those early years. Keep in touch with a girl you knew in high school. She probably has deeper feelings for you than you knew.
Needless to say, every group has their own spots they like to hang out at. It's different for every group of friends, but the facts are that a lot of people meet through a friend or a friend of a friend. It could be a buddies ex or a friend of your ex girlfriends friend, whatever the case. Most people consider it immoral to date your friends ex girlfriends, but look at it this way, statistically most people end up doing it anyway. Just don't hit on your friends current girlfriend or somebody that he is currently dating. Chances are she is more interested in him, and in this case jeopardizing the relationship is more than it's worth.
The way to get access to your buddies girls is to be facilitating with you own female friends. This does two things. It makes you popular with the ladies because they want to meet guys just as much as we want them. Second, it gets your buddy to be less possessive. When he's involved with someone, she's not going to like him being jealous over someone else. This is when all of his female contacts become fair game.
5. Sports Teams
Gym memberships are increasing world wide. However, it's not in the gym or the wait room where couples tend to meet. Instead consider joining a team that gets together once or twice a week on a regular basis. Good sports are volleyball, soccer and Frisbee. These are usually stand alone organizations you just have to find them. The idea is that team sports set the tone for interaction. Also, body smell such as from sweating during physical activity helps females determine genetic compatibility from pheromones and Androstenone smell. To recap, yes most successful marriages do start off in the work place or from the high school years. However, with the right ingredients of time, compatibility and interaction other places could be an opportunity for meeting women as well.
6. Grocery Stores
As with work, everyone has to go to the grocery store or supermarket. Again, this includes even the most beautiful women. One advantage of supermarkets is that single men and women, as well as single parents, must shop there. Also, visits to the supermarket are likely to be very frequent, as frequent as for example going to church services. It is thus possible to meet and get to know men or women by regularly visiting your local supermarket. In the UK, Sainsbury's stores are particularly good for meeting potential partners.
So can you meet a woman just about anywhere? Successful pickups have happened at bars, clubs, coffee shops, mall, elevator you name it. It's not a question of getting a date. To find the right woman takes time with her and getting to know her. Meanwhile, all those other places are great practice.
Submodules that might be retained
- These modules are not yet merged in.
- Losing fear
- Dating ideas
- Dating online
- General Tips
- The Catch
- Stubborn Difficulties
- Building a relationship
Submodules that should be separated
This modules need verification. They also should be expanded beyond courtship.
- Wikibook - Sexual Psychology (incomplete as of November 2005)
- Robert Green, The Art of Seduction, ISBN 0142001198
- Dating Advice Like Digg
- Social Interaction Dynamics Wiki
- A Guide To Dating and Relationships
- A Guide To Dating Sites and Seducing
- Girls Guide to Geek Guys
- Why Nice Guys are Such Losers
- Social Skills Wiki
- What your dating relationships might tell you about your future marriage
- What Social Science can tell you about flirting and how to do it
- When Dates Go Bad - unlucky in love stories (humor)
- nl Dutch guide on dating