Guide to Social Activity/Losing fear
Some persons fear others because they are the opposite gender. But most persons have male and female relatives (fathers, brothers, grandfathers, uncles, mothers, sisters, grandmothers, aunts, cousins...). If you do not fear these persons, then you need not fear other men or women.
Males and females have different body parts and brain chemistry.
Fear itself[edit | edit source]
If you ever were forced to jump from a tall tower or bridge into a distant body of water, or anything similar that gives you a physical, instinctive fear which affects your entire body, you have been in a real conflict between a subconscious fear (fear of heights, of danger) and your rational mind saying, "Is it rational to fear this? Is this artificial fear or should I really be afraid." The subconscious mind can be made to accept and feel comfortable with such situations by repeated exposure. It can be made to accept reality, or to ignore it. Most of the time you have to impress a made-up idea upon your subconscious to make it accept it. This is a suggestion, which the subconscious mind turns into reality.
|Move the next paragraph to a module about sexual health?|
Some obstacles creating fear are sexual: always check with your doctor to ensure your sexual health. If you are having serious problems with assertiveness or confidence, try joining a club or society that allows you the opportunity to mix with members of the opposite sex in a comfortable setting where you can make friends as well as chat with women. If all else fails, see a psychiatrist or psychologist; they may recommend talk therapy or medication. Just remember: taking a pill cannot fix all of your problems.
|Some of the next paragraphs are temporarily struck through until someone decides what to do with them.|
Another sign of fear or inconfidence, once you have found yourself a date is being overly "clingy" to your partner. While this may appeal to those who are essentially caretakers/nurturers, more independent women may be put off. Adolescence and early 20s is really the time to individuate, and a woman may hate being treated like your mother. Acting this way may also be seen as inferior and boring. There is a fine line between being intensely attentive to or absorbed by someone, and being clingy; make sure you know where that line is.
With the theory out of the way, let's fool the subconscious that prevents you from getting a date!
Exercises to reduce fear[edit | edit source]
To overcome fear, it helps to have clear simple steps towards a larger goal.
Awareness[edit | edit source]
Wherever you go, pay attention. Look around you for the beauty in each person. (FIXME Only for persons of a certain gender? Only beauty and no other traits?) Find what you like about each, and say it to yourself quietly. Practice this, so YOU know what you like.
After a while you should feel comfortable with what you find attractive of another person. (FIXME?) Much of the fear you feel is from the possibility of failure, so you can desensitize yourself to this fear by not allowing yourself to think about the possibility of success. This does not entail assuming that you will always fail (otherwise, why try?) but rather the view that, "There's a very good chance that it won't work. So what? I won't know unless I try. I wasn't dating her 5 minutes ago and I was getting along just fine; I'll be fine if I'm not dating her 5 minutes from now."
Assertiveness[edit | edit source]
Start to state your compliments of the attire, hairstyle, figure or tattoos of a potential mate louder and louder, until it is a normal conversational tone.
Next, take the leap! Actually go meet the person, and not in a creepy, sulking way, but directly, and politely. Promise yourself that, regardless of the actual response of the person is, you will not say anything other than that compliment.
You are in effect building up good karma to use later. Something simple..."Excuse me miss. I just had to tell you that your hair looks simply beautiful today." Smile, and walk away. Of course, it pays to be a little selective, though- if she appears to be in a bad mood or very busy, it could lead to you being "shot down" which might negatively affect your confidence for awhile.
This will help you practice breaking the ice with pretty strangers, and make plenty of persons have a better day.
Thought Experiments[edit | edit source]
This is a list of items to only think of.
(FIXME are these only general conversation tips? Move to Guide to Social Activity/Conversation or keep here?)
- Think about conversing with strangers. Try to provoke the emotions you want to avoid. Know how it feels. Then try to force your emotions away. Do this in the presence of such a person (without that person noticing your thoughts), because this makes it more real and your subconscious mind will more likely try to intervene!
- Realize that all neurotypicals are probably equally nervous about social situations and everyone is worried about how they are perceived. If you can pretend to be confident, people will perceive you as confident. Pretend that you are charming. Pretend that you are witty. Practice it with people of either gender, until you can consistently get favourable reactions. Much charm and wit can be honed with guys and still be effective on girls. Once you've got the hang of acting like you know what you are doing, you will realize that you DO know what you are doing, and you will be able to be yourself without feeling self-conscious.
- If you still find yourself becoming self-conscious, FOCUS FOCUS FOCUS on the girl and forget about yourself.
(Body Language[edit | edit source]
- The eyes: Look into the eyes of as many women as you can, don't stare, just fix them with a nice smile on your face.
- Your face: Vary your facial expressions when you tell stories. Don't be afraid to make silly faces at appropriate moments when you tell stories.
|Content below needs editing. --Kernigh 20:43, 29 November 2005 (UTC)|
Making contact[edit | edit source]
It is sometimes easiest to do this in a group of trusted friends, as this makes for a more friendly atmosphere, and provides moral support in case of embarrassment. The woman you are seeking has to be approachable, and should have shown a degree of interest in you. Ideally, she ought to be as interested in you as you are in her, but some of these exercises you can try on people the instant you meet them. Asking someone out on a date is less frustrating, faster, and easier once you have got used to it. It is also more fun!
- Hit girls with pick-up lines. No kidding. Deliver in a joking manner, like you want to make fun of her, seeing whether she can laugh about herself. Do it over and over again with women you don't know and just meet casually in the bus, sub-way, in the city. They will never recognise you again and even if they do they won't do anything. You will see it's just your mind that gives you the uncomfortable feeling - with practise this feeling goes away! (warning - using profanity may be offensive)
- Reciprocity is a powerful and universal social behavioral trait. Translation: when people receive something, they feel obliged. In dating the obvious examples would be buying a girl a drink or bringing flowers to a girl on a date. There are more subtle ways to use the rule of reciprocity. When you give your name to a girl she will feel obliged to give you hers. If you volunteer some personal anecdote or opinion, she will often do the same.
- Build rapport through use of the word "we". It helps to put people at ease if they feel that you are on their side. For example - if you are learning to dance and you want to build rapport with your partner, say something like "We are doing really great. I think we nailed that last step."
- Ask if you know them from somewhere, or ask if you've met them before. This gets them to look at you closely to see if they recognize you, but even if they say no, quickly introduce yourself and ask them what their name is, ask where they are from, or ask something related to where you both are at the moment. whatever comes to your head, just keep the conversation going. Concentrate on ignoring uncomfortable feelings, and concentrate on her. Joke around a little. If the conversation goes well, ask for her number or email address, and give her yours. Then call her that night and tell her you enjoyed talking to her.
- Compliments are effective for expressing interest without being perceived as vulnerable. The more subtle, the better. "I like... the way you carry yourself/ the way you smile/ the way your eyes sparkle/ the way you walk/ the way you think." Only compliment if that's the way you really feel. Although people tend to believe compliments - even when it is understood that the flatterer stands to gain from their liking him. Giving compliments increases ones likeability. Don't throw out compliments too often - maybe once during a date - so make it a good one!
- The impersonal interrogative comment (IIC) allows you to invite someone into a conversation without risking rejection or making your object of interest uncomfortable. An example of the IIC is, "Beautiful day today, isn't it?" Or, (at the beach) "The water is freezing this time of year, isn't it?" This type of comment can be responded to with a simple grunt or a nod - or if the girl is interested she might say, "I think the water is invigorating! And once you get in its not so bad." The longer and more personalized the response, then more positive for your chances.
- Use the internet - the barrier is lower for initiating a conversation. If you are very sensitive, chatting online may be enough to make you blush. However, you can practice wording and conversation to your heart's content. Have a goal of arranging an in-person meeting in under an hour. You don't need anything other than your natural wit and maybe a photo. Part 2 of the exercise: date them. This will get you into the dating game for practise.
- Go dancing! Not in a club or disco. Learn how to dance: salsa/mambo, Caribbean stuff; often the cheaper the lessons are, the better. East Coast Swing (aka jitterbug) is a dance that is relatively easy to learn - an hour is enough to learn the basics. Be warned that Lindy Hop (eight count swing) is much more difficult. If you know a sport dancing-club, see if you can join. University sports are fine locations for that, too. The difference between classic dancing schools and the sport-dancers/non-Latin salsa scene is that in the schools they teach figures, as fast as they can, and you will not be able to take advantage of your knowledge!! The hobbyists on the other hand emphasize much more on "feeling" the music, feeling and leading the partner.
A girl will never judge your dancing abilities on the basis of how many figures you can do, she wants to feel good, and you need to be able to lead! Followers (girls) prefer a strong lead. It is much easier for them if they don't have to guess where the dance is going. In sport dancing they emphasize the so called "basics", the way to move your feet, your arms, hands, rhythm. You will be able to dance with girls in a disco much more comfortably (for both of you) and you can teach them how to dance like they do in the films ;) Be sure to smile and look like you are having fun - even if you are nervous or stressed about your footwork. Dancing will also help you lose any inhibitions about being in someone else's personal space.
Never look back. Someone can turn you down, but she can't defeat you!
Have no regrets[edit | edit source]
Consider this situation: you are 85 years old, and looking back upon your life. What are your biggest regrets?
Be aware that this particular issue has been studied. One common theme in the responses given by old people is this: they regret the things that they did NOT do. Ask an old man one of his greatest regrets, and he will eventually tell you about a beautiful woman he knew when he was young. He will tell you how he regrets never pursuing her. He will tell you that at the time it made him nervous, but now he has learned that it's really not that big of a deal, especially considering other things in life.
What is important here is to consider a perspective where you accept the possibility that there is NOT life after death, heaven, hell, or reincarnation. There IS a possibility that you will live once, then cease to exist, and that’s it! With this in mind, do you want to repeat the mistakes of others and not live (your ONLY) life to the fullest? Do you want to allow your fear, pride, ego, etc., to limit your life?
Change is not easy, but it is possible. You have learned to ride a bike, even though you crashed a few times along the way. You have learned many hard to speak/spell English vocabulary words, yet when you were young you thought you could never learn a big list of words every week. You thought about all the things you think you could not do, yet you have done many of them. Stop thinking that you can't get women, because you can. Stop thinking that your situation is unique, because it's not. Men-seeking-women is as old of a subject as humans, it's the source of countless songs, poems, books, movies, and history.
Nothing is easy at first, that's just part of life. Do you think you can't skydive from an airplane? Consider warming up to the challenge of women by first conquering your fear of heights. Yes, go skydive. Then tell yourself "if I can do THAT, then getting women is also possible."
Convince yourself that you do not care about the outcome of pursuing a woman, because either you will succeed OR gain practice, and either one is acceptable.
And besides... the old adage, "It's better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all" is very true. So, even if you try to establish a relationship with someone and eventually get shot down, you will have grown from the experience. It might hurt in the short term, but you will be better prepared for the next time. There will be a next time.
Approach Girls With Confidence[edit | edit source]
When someone interrupts you, you find it rude, it's intrusive, as a man it's disrespectful. Women are different however, they like it when you interrupt them. It's as if they want you to disregard what they are talking about. It's taking charge and showing your decisiveness about what's important. You can't just interrupt at any time, but when you have something more important to say they won't stop for you. They want their conversation to be controlled by you. When you interrupt at a time when you know that you have something good to say, something funny that will interest them they will actually be receptive.. There is a specific way to interrupt a girl.
1 - Open Circle
When women want you to approach they have way of letting you know. If there's more than two of them, they stand in a circle that is open towards you. They are basically making space for you to fill in the gap. If there's just two of them talking they also keep themselves open. They are not standing this way by coincidence, this is your chance.
2 - Animated Behavior
You can tell that girls want to be approached because they talk a little bit more pronounced and louder than they have to. They enunciate certain words and phrases more than the rest of the conversation. They are basically talking amongst themselves and they are being overly excited. It's not because they've got some great new topic, they've already finished introducing themselves to each other, they are long time friends. The reason they are being just a little too loud and overtly expressive is because they like you and that's their way to draw attention. Words like Wow, That's So Cool, Awesome, It's The Best... and so forth will be a little more pronounced. They are interested, they want to compliment you, but instead of doing that directly they use those words amongst themselves. Anything that sounds like a compliment will be better pronounced.
3 - Eye Line
They will look directly and more intensely at each other. In normal conversation the speakers eyes wonder around the listeners face, scanning the environment around the listener, looking to the side when telling a story etc. Once the girls have noticed you, they will try not to look at you so as to not to be to direct with you. As a result they will stop scanning around and lock eye contact with themselves. That means they have already noticed you, and if their body language is open, that means they like you. Don't wait too long, they might get uncomfortable and by the time you approach them, attraction will turn into resentment. Then you have to show more responsiveness to their signals. Find the girl with the most intense eyes, she is the one that likes you. Check to make sure that her body language is open and then just walk right in.
4 - Looking Around
When girls start looking intensely at each other, you know they have already noticed you, but if they haven't noticed you yet, they will be making glances. Look for girls that are glancing to the sides, scanning the crowd, looking at the door, watching for somebody new to come in. If they are doing that, that means they are looking for a man, come closer and see if they notice you. But don't come too close; you just want to be in their line of sight, where they are making passes. If they stop glancing after they've seen you, that means you're the one they've been looking for.
5 - Standing Alone In A Visible Area
If it really was a private conversation, they would move to a secluded place. They would go to a corner, grab a table or a booth where they wouldn't be disturbed. But if they are standing at a bar, by the fireplace, near the door, near the window, generally in a central location where people pass through. The only exception is if they are standing by the door on their way out. Otherwise, if the girls are in a central location, they want to be approached, don't expect a special invitation, although it's happened before.
6 - Other Girls Leaving
If there's a group of four or more girls, chances are that not all of them are going to like you. The ones that haven't found what they are looking for will be wanting to move on. They will excuse themselves from the rest of the group. If the remaining girls aren't sticking with their friends chances are they have found a reason to stay.
7 - Light Conversation
In order to interrupt girls their conversation should be light and funny, no serious topics. Watch out for conversations on money, work, talking about a man, talking about a woman, talking about a specific person, career, politics, religion, popularity, attractiveness. Those are sensitive topics to people and if they are talking about it chances are they will not be in a casual mood for you. If on the other hand, from a distance you can hear that everything is light and funny, even though they seem to be having a private conversation, you really know that they are ready to meet a man.
8 - No Hierarchy
No Hierarchy means there is no leader within the group of girls. It's a social function, the atmosphere should be casual and that means balanced. Contrary to popular belief, meeting a member of the opposite sex is not a popularity contest. The only person hugging the spot light should be the band that's playing up on center stage. However this does happen often sometimes, some girls try to be the leaders of the group, they try to lead the conversation, they want to make sure they get the final word. Don't approach a group where there is a power struggle going on, the girls will be preoccupied. This really should not happen because if it's a social event, the idea is to make the atmosphere supportive. However, sometimes a girl doesn't find what she's looking for, so instead of feeling sorry for herself she starts working the crowd made up of her friends. That's not the right way to treat a friend, but if she has good social skills, she can get away with this. Sometimes she is jealous of a better looking girl friend of hers and showing off her popularity is her way of settling her score. If her friends fall for it, don't interrupt them, they will be preoccupied any way. What you can do is go for the leader and watch her drop her followers in a second.
9 - Body Language Symmetrical Synchronized
We know the importance of open body language when approaching a girl with any interruption, and what else is important is symmetry. Girls like to move their hands when they talk. When she's gesturing check that she is moving both hands. Her stance should be straight. She shouldn't be leaning on one leg or the other or tilting her head to either side either. Studies show that asymmetrical posture signals a preoccupied and a distant mind. If they are having fun, they should also be in synch with one another. If one is laughing they should all be laughing. If one is using gestures they should all be gesturing. If one is holding a drink, they should all be drinking and so forth. You might have spotted the girl you want, but if there's something not in tune with the group she's with don't interrupt just yet. Be patient. If she is interested in you too she will gradually distance away from her group and make herself available. Instead of approaching girls that are preoccupied look for girls that are having a good time and are receptive to meeting a new guy.
10 - Three Second Rule
The most important rule about interruptions is to do it right away. You need to recognize these signals and be able to identify them with confidence. As soon as you spot these signals, more right in, it's an interruption, it should be considered rude, but if you do it right it will actually be welcomed.