The Deluded Self

Everything has been figured out, except how to live.

~ Jean-Paul Sartre

Fear makes liars of us all.

~ Carmen Maria Machado, In the Dream House

Introduction

The masks that come with self-delusion.

Humans in the modern world have grown to become smarter, a mindset that is constantly adapting to modern technology and new experiences. However, with the change of time, humans have also learned and developed ways on improving social relations and self-image, as the need for public approval and pride have become evident in recent times, such as the use of Instagram and the rising popularity of content creators. Young people, who are still learning what is their “truth”, may find it amusing to strive for that struggle of endless validation, however, what not many realize is the implications it can do on a person’s mental condition and morals. To not only let others validate for you, but also eventually become a slave to the pride that fears what the governing eyes of others may see and reveal.

Self-delusion has, and will always be, an unconscious psychological behavior that people in their daily lives have resorted to. To delude your true self, creating a lie that allows a person to switch their “image,” is an act more common than you think, and it does not mean it’s generally bad. While we are lying to ourselves, it does enable us to protect our vulnerable ego and our conscience from the pain of reality, boosting our ability to perform as self-delusion transforms into confidence. Not only that, but by convincing ourselves of that lie, it becomes easier to convince others of that lie, as now it is seen trustworthy as any other belief.

However, there are cases when self-delusion reveals itself to be self-deception, a lie that was made with the sole intent of improving social status, stemming from the exaggeration of over-confidence and insecurity. Cases where self-delusion becomes toxic towards the authenticity of oneself, distancing and mudding the lines between genuineness and “putting up an act”, aiming towards desire and grandeur. Instances like these are what we can see in the news, such as the case of Elizabeth Holmes. Through her strong self-belief of having the potential to become a successful entrepreneur, she was able to do so, eventually declared the youngest self-made billionaire in 2015. Be that as it may, the public did not realize the fraud she committed just to achieve that until 2018, the lies in her product that was undetected due to the strong persuasion she had in attracting investors sourcing from being self-delusional. She even continued to exhibit this type of behavior during her trial when trying to justify her products, refusing to admit the lie when evidence points out otherwise. To read more about the behavior of self-delusion, visit this BBC article or The Verge article on the studies of self-delusion, or watch this TedTalk by Courtney Warren about the psychology of self-deception.

Texts

In accordance with self-delusion, there are a couple of literary works that display such that which will be discussed:

“Dream House as Choose Your Own Adventure” is a chapter in Carmen Maria Machado’s latest memoir In The Dream House. The analysis made about this chapter is based on an audio version of the story dramatized by Zoë Winters on the podcast This American Life episode 703: Stuck! during Act Two: You Can’t Go Your Own Way.

“No Exit” is a 1944 French play produced by Jean-Paul Sartre, originally titled Huis Clos. This analysis is based on the transcript of the play provided by the Internet Archive and the 1964 cinematic BBC adaptation of the play.

Summaries

In the Dream House is a memoir of Machado's abusive relationship with an ex-girlfriend. Over the course of the memoir, Machado meets her girlfriend and finds herself rapidly infatuated, wooed, love bombed, and then, eventually, the abuse begins. The memoir includes chapters that are iterations of the abusive recount in different forms of storytelling. One of which is titled “Dream House as Choose Your Own Adventure”, where the story is told from the perspective of the main character, Machado, with the reader determining the choices taken in the Dream House, thus affecting the “outcome” of the story. However, as any toxic relationship goes, it proves to be a fruitless endeavor as the abuse repeats itself day after day. The reader either ends up restarting the day or meets an ending accompanied by harsh commentary by Machado herself about the course of actions taken.

“No Exit” is an existentialist play centered around three damned souls sent to a “hellish space”, condemned to be stuck together for the rest of eternity. They are Garcin, a revolutionary who betrayed his own cause and wants to be reassured that he is not a coward; Estelle, an egomaniac who killed her illegitimate child and craves the objectivity of attention; and Inez, a sadistic lesbian that takes joy in torturing others. Each of the characters requires another person for self-definition and their means of salvation, yet each is most attracted to the person most likely to refuse and torment them. Their inability to escape from each other guarantees their eternal torture, thus having “no exit” from their never-ending need for self-definition and rejection of the past.

Textual Analysis

Key Terms

Before diving deep into analyzing both texts, there are a few terms that need to be emphasized and further analyzed to fully understand the stories:

A visual representation of the Dream House.

The Dream House

From my perspective, a house can be two things. One is as a safe haven, the embodiment of our own secure, personal space from everything else, basically "the comfort of our own home". On the other hand, two, as a prison of our own making that becomes more torturous the longer we stay holed up in there. During the pandemic, for instance, when people were forced to stay at home for quite a while, people started out strong and happy to stay in the comfort of their homes. However, people became increasingly tired of always being at home and were actually relieved to finally be free after the pandemic ended.

Of course, a Dream House would mean that it's someplace not real, or intangible. Or, it could also mean a literal “dream house”, a home where you would dream of having all your favorite things and making happy memories there. But after listening to the transcript, I would say that she’s metaphorizing this Dream House as a construct in her mind, conjuring the abuse that polluted the memory of the Dream House. Looking back and questioning the what-ifs while now being able to see it from the bigger picture of how her Dream House slowly shifted from a warm place to cold torture. Really, it’s ironic that she calls it a Dream House, as it now lingers as a hellhole. She could never claim it as her dream home, as it did not provide the love and security she needed.

The Fawn

The narrator compares, or rather contrasts herself to a fawn, reminding herself of the position she’s in in the Dream House after trying to defy the actual course of actions. As we know it, a fawn is a vulnerable and fragile creature, a young deer that usually shies towards people and other foreign beings it might encounter. It understands its capability and weakness, so it’s extremely cautious of any potential predators it might detect and puts an effort into trying to protect itself, usually by fleeing from danger. Machado depicted in the story, however, while being fragile and vulnerable, still decided to stay in the toxic relationship, justifying it as something that can be fixed even though signs that she was hurting were clearly visible (see page 12). The narrator describes the fawn to help Machado realize this, but somehow, it is shown to be as if mocking her past self for being foolish.

The Box, The Clothes, The Dishes

She started off by describing the setting when she awakened, stating despite how messy it was, she felt that warmth of innocence and glow of contentment in the room, up until she realized the existence of her partner there. Thus, voiding the light and warmth that was once in the room and leaving the room left with the disheveled mess it was originally with. It clearly shows how messy their relationship was, with the Dream House being left to a mess and how there were no signs of ever cleaning it up, with the only time she does not acknowledge the presence of her partner being when the gloomy mess “disappears”. This could be referencing to her time during the relationship, how the only time she could enjoy her Dream House was when her partner wasn’t in the picture, when she could be happy and forget the mess they made. Her partner only became a parasite to the Dream House, bringing harm and disorder into the relationship.

Mirrors

It is usually used to see yourself physically or meant as a window to see one’s soul introspectively. Sometimes even used as a tool to reaffirm your own existence and essence, to fix and confirm your appearance on how others view you. Mirrors reveal a person's truth, which is their appearance, but ironically it is sometimes referenced as needed by characters to reflect what they "want" to see or hope for their lie to be the truth. A symbol of pride in self-image and arrogance. And of course, most of the time it does not go accordingly. Say, for instance, think of how the Evil Queen in Snow White asked the mirror "Who's the fairest of them all?” with confidence that she herself is, but instead shows the image of Snow White being the fairest. Then she goes on to mess with Snow White, which we all know did not end well for the Queen. They are restricted from ever having any means of defining themselves and are constantly conscious of that lack of definition, leading up to them resorting to needing each other to be their “mirror.”

A mirror reflects our gaze back at ourselves, giving us reassurance of our existence and our "true" definition, as it is an object that shows the undeniable truth, or at least, the truth that we want to see. Now, what happens if we were to be deprived of mirrors or any tool to reflect on ourselves? Then it would narrow down our options to relying on other people's gazes to affirm our true selves. It would be fine if it were an accumulation of many different people's views, but how about limiting it to two? Now that would simplify the affirmation of your "definition" to something cruder and more untrustworthy. Almost like if you see a paper uses a lot of sources, then you can say it is reliable. But if it just uses two, then its credibility becomes questionable. The problem is, a person's gaze can never be too reliable, as they too are human, something that can show our worth subjectively and objectively. Different from a mirror that can easily be manipulated or repurposed to define us just as what we want it to be, people bring in the judgment and the opinions of defining a person, revealing the "hard truth" or the "fabricated lie" that can easily torment the individual. Just like when Estelle decided to use Inez as her mirror, with Inez lying about Estelle having a pimple on her face, which she easily believed. Each character wants a mirror not only to reassure their existence and reflect their believed "definition", but because they know it will only show what they want to see or their interpretation of their truth, making it a means of escape from the "real truth" that the gaze of each other reveals.

Freedom

A depiction of the room in "No Exit".

The definition of freedom in the text is a bit twisted. For one, they all tried to live in freedom, free from the obligations of their crimes, free from the guilt of their past, and free from the consequences of existence. They were even provided freedom in Hell when the door to their room suddenly opened after Garcin’s whines for escape. However, there is a difference between true freedom and the freedom we are comfortable with. The freedom we know of means to be free from obstacles that restrict our actions, to have the power to do, speak, and act the way we want, at least under the rules of law and order determined by a higher power, or essentially by others. True freedom, however, is a more reckless nature, where you are granted total liberty. To live life with no rules to define consequences, no one to dictate our actions, and no one to judge us except for us. But in return, we ourselves must become the regulator for our actions. Our whole life is our own, and the responsibility and obligation for our actions fall solely on us, with no one else to carry that burden, for with true freedom comes independence. And that is what the characters of “No Exit” want but can never get because of what they would have to sacrifice to obtain that. They would need to leave behind their attachment for validation and acknowledge their past to be able to achieve their desires without consequence. Basically, they would need to get rid of their need for others to dictate their existence and stop trying to reject their past, something that they are evidently not willing to let go of anytime soon as they decide to stay stuck in the room together to continue fighting for each other’s validation.

Huis Clos

As being the original, untranslated title of the play, Huis Clos roughly translates to “with closed doors”, or “behind closed doors.” This could be referencing literally to the overall setting of the story, as their torture is never-ending and their arguing is to be “behind the closed doors” of Hell for eternity, as their room was designed to be “life without a break” from the use of specific bad décor to the lack of use for the items in the room. Or, it could be the closed-off mindset of each character, the secrets and true nature they withheld throughout life. As we know each character (except for Inez) has an issue with their past, they succumb to this constant need for approval just to uphold the “closed doors” that separate their past from their delusions of self. The closed doors could also mean the separation between their self and reality, as they all fear the suffocating reality of freedom and the consequences of true independence when they were given the chance to escape. The closed doors are their only way to maintain their integrity and chance for salvation, nevertheless, it eventually proves to be their punishment. Which side of their reality really is behind closed doors, the choice of true freedom or their choice of eternal confinement?

Analysis

Machado Between the “I’s” and “You’s”

In the chapter, Machado already starts it off by saying “you” in the second person perspective, immediately emphasizing the distance she has against her “self” in the recount. This also establishes the control over “you” or her younger self that the reader has, as this will be important in its choose-your-own-adventure format. The reader would go on to explore the variety of actions the “you” character can choose and the resulting abuse that their partner would respond with, told with occasional monologues, such as on page 191 during the making love scene that drifts off for a while, as if these were scenarios Machado had known too much and too well. The cycle would then continue, only for it to restart the day and reuse the same choices for the next. However, by breaking the cycle, or in this case, the reader finally chooses to arrive at a page that was never given, we start to realize who is actually in control of the story, as page 186 reveals the inner dialogue of the narrator criticizing towards the “you” of the Dream House. We see this dissonance happening between the present “I” that is introspectively viewing the endless suffering of the past “you” still stuck in the Dream House. With “I” being the narrator and present self of Machado, and “you” being the naïve younger version of Machado who lives in her memory of the Dream House. The same “you” that the reader tries to project its liberty of choice onto, especially in this section by choosing to defy against their partner, only to be scolded by the present Machado as something she would “never do.”

Later on, specifically on pages 190 and 186, we see more of this defiance, where an argument breaks out because of “you” trying to stray from the cycle of pages once more. Still, they, or rather the reader, are reminded by the narrator of how unchanging this memory is, how in reality their choices don’t amount to anything in a story that remains as a lingering regret of a foolish young Machado, saying that “[they] can’t make it not happen, no matter what [they] do.” Escape was only a red herring in this story. As a figment of her imagination, “you” is frequently depicted as a separate entity of Machado’s bound to the events of the Dream House, being the subject of criticism and portrayal of regrets that the present Machado continues to disassociate. Despite being just a different version of herself, Machado still rejects that past self and even displays her present self throughout the chapter as being a higher-power entity than the Machado in the Dream House, isolating the pain only to happen to her depiction of a younger self and never claiming to be the once foolish girl she was.

Prison of Her Own Making

It’s evident throughout the story that Machado imprisons herself in guilt, in the trauma that gives life to the Dream House. It matters that the abuse happens in the house as it sets the boundary of those memories, those feelings that she associates with the abuse that happened in that house, limiting to just her and her partner. No one else is able to interfere with those memories and the decisions she has already made, as the house is a barrier between one's "outside life" and one's "personal life", blocking people from looking in on what's happening inside. It also restricts her freedom of choice in contrast to the choose-your-own-adventure concept. There is essentially no "choosing" in this story, as she's only limited to making decisions that are provided by the house. It's reflected in how in this never-ending game, she was never given the option to leave the house. It only happened when the author made it up, "pretending" that's what they did during that time. The events of the Dream House are already set in stone, unchanging as it had already passed on but persisted.

Since the beginning, we also see the real Machado as a dominating person, being the present that knows the outcome of the story and ostracizes her younger self for being naïve. Her self-deluding has made her the officer as well as the prisoner. Instead of being the once foolish girl that was abused, she has taken on the mantle of abuse even if it meant for the peace of her current mental well-being after the relationship. As the weakest of her self tries to navigate towards a resolution from the abusive relationship, the reader, Machado and the residual memories of her partner are who are keeping her bound, warping the storyline and her choices. For what the young Machado builds, it is eventually to crumble at the inevitable mercy and choice of others.

Delusion of Bad Faith

Similarly, “No Exit” deals with the character’s delusions of disassociating their true self and rejection of their past, specifically that of Garcin and Estelle. As each of the characters had lived a life of selfish desires, they are met the same fate to be tortured together and isolated in a hellish space. As the play proceeds, we start to notice what their “hell” really is about. Both Garcin and Estelle are victims of bad faith, meaning that they require the views of others to dictate their existence and deceive themselves about the weight of responsibilities that they are already committed to, needing others to justify their reasoning for their misdeeds and as a way to disassociate with their past crimes.

The play gradually reveals this, starting with Garcin constantly checking in with his coworkers in the real world to see what they thought of him and if they ever saw him as the coward he was. But because of his constant need to justify his past of cowardice, he later becomes increasingly desperate to defend his "pacifist" life as brave, when only Inez sees him for the coward he is, leaving him stuck in a loop for approval.

Estelle, however, is somewhat a worse case than Garcin, as she wants to exist solely free from the obligations of being a subject, using bad faith to give up her freedom and become an object in the eyes of others. She begins by needing a mirror to see herself exist as the object she wants others to see her as, only to eventually crave the constant gaze and sexual attraction of others to grant that objectification of hers, specifically Garcin as he is the only man she “wants” to affirm her existence as an object of love. Because of this blind pursuit of objectification and being free from the obligations of true freedom, she also slowly reveals her delusional nature and the sins she had done to maintain her previous life of leisure, as far as murdering her own illegitimate child just because she didn’t want them. Being heartless, she didn’t even care when the father of the child committed suicide, only claiming that he “killed himself on [her] account.” Through and through, she doesn’t care about her past actions, disassociating them as if they meant nothing to her and justifying them as for her own gains.

Inez’s Consequence of Authenticity

Disassociation and Deception

On the other hand, in Inez’s case, while she lived as a sadist, she still accepts her situation in hell, even acknowledging her misdeeds, saying that she’s "always conscious of [herself] – in [her] mind. Painfully conscious", in contrast to the other two that struggle to flee from the reality of their crimes. So really, Inez is the only individual that is truly “authentic” in this situation, but is still damned as a person tormented of their past existence and requires others to fuel that reason of deserving damnation, a consequence of embracing their past nature. How could you acknowledge being a sadist if you have no one to torture for it? It’s shown as Inez seeks Estelle’s “love,” but in actuality she just wants to toy and torture her. We see this instance happening when Estelle asks Inez to be her mirror, only for her to tell lies that twist Estelle’s image and toy with her bad faith. At the end of the day, they are all endlessly competing for their own definition of authenticity, struggling for peace of mind, and preoccupied with rejecting the consequences of their freedom, even when given escape. Garcin and Estelle have become a slave to desire and condemned to ever gaining closure to the past crimes they try to disassociate from, with Inez being an anchor for their bad faith. Thus, looping the cycle, making them bound to be isolated together for eternity. There is no escape.

Cycle of Constant Rejection & Disassociation

Disassociation of the past has led each character into a spiral of looping torment, each stuck in a cycle of not owning up to their own mistakes and trauma. Machado, while already free from the abusive relationship, is still not free from the trauma it caused, still gripping onto that memory of the Dream House that she fears of even setting foot in. In turn, it creates this distance between her naïve younger self that is forced to relive the events of the Dream House, and the present self that tries to criticize every mistake they do, refusing to admit ever being that naive self as shown through her use of “I’s” and “you’s” and her harsh commentary toward herself. The characters of “No Exit” as well disassociate from the crimes of their past, claiming that it was for the better, or in reality, for their own selfish pursuit of desires. As a result of this rejection of their life's obligations and consequences, it has led them to Hell, condemned to struggle to fulfill their desires for eternity, shackled by the one thing they once primarily desired in life. What’s more, both stories portray how each character would resort to deception to deceive themselves, which in turn has led them to spiral even deeper into further painful lies and desperation, only making the truth a little harder to swallow. Machado tries to deceive herself and tweak the actions she’d taken during her past relationship, along with Garcin and Estelle trying to deceive their way toward peace of mind.

Brainstorming Activities

Can I Ask You A Question?

To analyze the concept of self-delusion in these texts thus far, here are a few questions to reflect upon:

• Who do you think is Machado’s past self trying to deceive?
• In what role does the reader play in Machado’s story? As the embodiment of her self-delusions, a passive bystander, or as the narrator that forces the torment of choice on her past self? Or, is there any other role not listed that you might agree with?
• Why do you think Machado hasn’t given up on the nightmare? Is it guilt, is it self-justification, is it a responsibility?

• Why is Inez the only one who hadn’t succumbed to self-delusion and is always self-aware? Why does she ultimately “win” in this ordeal?
• Compared to the other two, Estelle died in a natural matter of pneumonia, while Garcin and Inez died in certain situations due to rejecting the consequences of reality. What made Estelle’s self-delusion and rejection of the past different than the other two?
• Was Garcin’s punishment for cowardice deserving, or is his reason of self-delusion justifiable? Try being in his position and explain why.

Image Imagine

Here’s an interesting group activity – together, try to pick out a few key words or element from each of the stories. Then, using an AI image generator, conjure up each your own depictions of these key elements, and present these images together. Have each group member discuss what prompt they used in the AI search description for their own images and discuss which image from the group closely resembles to their combined depiction of the key element.

For sources of a free, AI image generator, here are a few links:

• Bing Creator
• Stable Diffusion
• Dall-E (requires account)
• Midjourney (requires account and joined as a member of the Discord server)

*Example Prompt: Joseph Garcin as a tall, mid-30’s, in a suit and tie, balding, with mustache, realistic art.

Storyteller

Interested in Machado's storytelling concept of utilizing a choose-your-own-adventure format? Luckily, there is a free, online service in creating those type of stories! Inklewriter will enable you to write complex stories, branching decision-making, and overall an in-depth story of your own making, which you can even share to others to experience for themselves!

Here's an example of my own short interactive story using Inklewriter.

External Sources

1. Chen, Angela. “A Psychologist Explains Why We’re Probably All Delusional and How to Fix It.” The Verge, 21 May 2017, www.theverge.com/2017/5/21/15660894/insight-self-awareness-psychology-tasha-eurich-interview.
2. Glass, Ira. “Stuck! | Act Two: You Can’t Go Your Own Way.” This American Life, performance by Zoe Winters, season 1, episode 703, 8 May 2022, https://www.thisamericanlife.org/703/stuck/act-two-10.
3. Iglesias, Gabino. “‘in the Dream House’ Invents a New Form of Memoir to Convey a Haunting Nightmare.” NPR, 5 Nov. 2019, www.npr.org/2019/11/05/776316011/in-the-dream-house-invents-a-new-form-of-memoir-to-convey-a-haunting-nightmare.
4. “Jean-Paul Sartre’s ‘No Exit’: A BBC Adaptation Starring Harold Pinter (1964).” YouTube, 17 Jan. 2017, www.youtube.com/watch?v=0v96qw83tw4.
5. “No Exit by Jean-Paul Sartre.” Internet Archive, ia800700.us.archive.org/11/items/NoExit/NoExit.pdf. Accessed 11 June 2023.
6. “No Exit Study Guide.” Shmoop, 11 Nov. 2008, www.shmoop.com/study-guides/literature/no-exit.
7. Robson, David. “How Self-Deception Allows People to Lie.” BBC Worklife, 31 May 2022, www.bbc.com/worklife/article/20220525-how-self-deception-allows-people-to-lie.